I’ve always thought I had it going on.
As should everybody.
I always had high self esteem.
Until I got cheated on.
The first time wasn’t so bad because I had cheated on him first.
So yea...
But the second time I got cheated on, that was a doozy and crushed my self worth and self esteem.
I thought I had done everything right.
I cooked.
I cleaned.
I gave him a baby.
I was a good girl.
But that was the very reason I was given of why he cheated.
His exact words, I was predictable.
I. Was. Predictable.
Those words have stuck with up until this very day.
Ever since then, that’s what I believed about myself.
I ended up being in the relationship with Ya’Seen and I hadn’t completely healed from my past hurt.
So that was something that he had to deal with.
I hadn't dealt with the pain and hurt that was still in my heart from my previous relationship.
Drake said it best from his song Take Care feat. Rihanna, “He was “dealing with a heart that [he] didn’t break.”
That song basically described our first year of dating.
We went through this whole period of checking each other’s phones and what not.
That’s how I found out about the previous cheating.
So iPhones were like the devil to me.
I don’t believe that he thought I was cheating, he just was reciprocating my actions, just because I was doing it.
We eventually got over that phase in our lives, moved on, and eventually got married.
Early on in our marriage, I continued to struggle with insecurity due to the fact that I was the complete opposite of what Ya’Seen was usually attracted to.
I’m short.
5’2”, light skin, and thick.
So in my mind, I struggled with how could he want to marry me and be with me when I’m nothing like his previous relationships.
He reassured me, as he always does, that I am what he wants.
However, I continued to struggle with my identity.
I struggled so much with this to the point that I would periodically ask Ya’Seen if he was cheating on me.
And you know what?
Ya’Seen hated it!
He hated when I would ask him that question.
He would become so offensive at the fact that I would even fix my lips to ask him a question like that.
And every single time, I would feel horrible.
So how did I overcome this insecurity?
I’m going to tell you the number one reason of how I conquered insecurity.
I allowed God to heal my heart.
Yup! That’s it.
My heart had to be healed.
Remember those words that were engrained in my heart and mind?
I was predictable.
One time I asked Ya’Seen if he thought I was predictable and he said yes.
What?! Oh no!
Here we go again!
But as a matter fact, he continued on to say that was one of the best parts about me.
I wasn’t one of those type of girls that would stay out all night or someone that he couldn’t trust.
That statement just broke all barriers and chains off me.
Huh? He loves my predictability?!
Yaaaassss!!!
After the chains were broken of of my mind, another lesson that I learned during my healing process was the last time that I had asked Ya’Seen if he was cheating on me.
It was around the time the whole scandal about Pastor John Gray cheating on his wife came out.
And this whole situation brought about old feelings.
If a well-known pastor can cheat on his wife, what's stopping my man of God from cheating on me?
Immediately when I asked him, he became offensive.
He asked me, “Do you know how that makes me feel?”
I was totally embarrassed.
He told me that when I bring topics up to him like this, it plants a seed in him.
So he advised me that I be careful with those types of topics.
At this point, I was very upset with myself because I was tired of wrestling with myself in my head.
I began to find encouragement from the late Dr. Myles Munroe.
Dr. Munroe says, “That a woman is an incubator. An incubator gives life to everything and multiplies and gives it back to you. That’s why women must be careful with what they listen to, who they listen to, and what they hear. If you want to be a good wife, make sure you receive the right stuff, whatever you receive you multiply and give it to your husband. So if you're on the phone all day with a woman that is divorced and you're not. If you're talking to a woman whose marriage isn’t working all the time, its going to get in your womb and then your husband comes back and you start speaking negative and suspicions things to your husband when in fact you were receiving that junk from your friend on the phone.”
That absolutely blew my mind!
When I heard that, it was a wake up call for me.
That’s exactly what happened.
I heard the story and incubated it and spit it right back to Ya’Seen whom hadn’t given me any reasons to suspect anything.
From that point on, I had decided that I wouldn’t bring anything like that up again.
I made the choice to heal.
So along with the super natural healing power of God and the unfaithful love of my husband, God has healed me of insecurity.
So I encourage you if you are struggling with insecurity in your life and relationship, allow God to heal you first before anything.
Allow Him to put his healing sap on your heart so that you can either completely give yourself to your man or be prepared for when its time to give your heart over to the right one.
Insecurity is unattractive, but security is sexy.